The Trouble With People-Pleasing (And How You Can Stop)
Are you a people pleaser?
People-pleasing sounds like a nice thing to do - isn’t making other people happy a positive thing? However, people pleasers tend to put the needs of others ahead of their own to the point where their own lives suffer. There are ways to stop this habit, though, and find ways to set healthier boundaries with others that leave you feeling better about yourself.
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is a phenomenon that occurs when people avoid conflict by putting the needs of others before their own. On the surface, people-pleasers are often seen as nice and agreeable, but on the inside they feel like they’re losing their identity because they rarely make time for themselves.
If you’re always trying to make other people happy before you try to make yourself happy, you might be a people pleaser. Other signs you’re a people-pleaser include:
Feeling like you can’t say no to other people
Feeling guilty when you say no
Worrying about what other people think of you
Saying “sorry” constantly
Doing things you don’t want to do because you’re afraid to say no
Believing that others will only like you if you do things for them
Finding it hard to speak up about your true feelings or beliefs in front of others
Why does people-pleasing happen?
People-pleasing occurs for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it’s a pattern learned from parents or caregivers, where it’s expected of them from a young age to take care of their own needs last. Sometimes it happens because they have low self-esteem and you feel like their needs aren’t worth being taken care of. Another common reason for people-pleasing is that people fear being abandoned by the people they care about if they say what they really think or set boundaries.
Other people struggle with conflict or being assertive in general. If they have a painful history with conflict growing up, it might be scary to initiate conflict with others, especially people that are important to them. This is especially true for people who have a history of trauma or abuse. It may feel easier to just keep the peace instead of rocking the boat by bringing up their needs, or they may remember a time when bringing up their needs caused a problem in the past.
Why is people-pleasing a problem?
People-pleasing is a problem because conflict and boundaries are a necessary part of relationships with others. There are always going to be times when you have to say no or set a boundary when dealing with other people. When you feel like you can’t, it can lead to resentment, stress, anxiety, exhaustion, and even a loss of identity. If you can’t say how you really feel, it leads to worse relationships with others, because they’re not based in reality, they’re based on what you think the other person wants to hear. When you spend all of your time doing things for other people, there isn’t time left over for you. This can leave you feeling like you don’t know who you are or what’s important to you, which can be confusing.
Here are 5 steps to stop people-pleasing:
Be nicer to yourself
Many people struggle with people-pleasing because they feel like they have to do the most for others or they’ll be alone. This often comes from low self-esteem, which can be tied to negative self-talk. Is this true for you? Try being nicer to yourself and see how it shifts your relationships with other people.
The first step is to notice those moments when you’re being hard on yourself or assuming that there’s something wrong with you. When you notice that little voice in your head come up and say something mean, try to redirect your thoughts or interrupt it. What would you say to a younger version of yourself, or your best friend in that situation? Say that to yourself instead.
Set boundaries
Boundaries are commonly misunderstood. They’re not about controlling other people, or forcing other people to do things. They’re about defining what you will or won’t do in response to other people’s actions. It can be tricky to set boundaries as a people pleaser, because the people in your life may expect you not to have any boundaries.
Take some time to think about the boundaries that would leave you feeling less resentful and overwhelmed. Maybe you aren’t available to do things every weekend. Maybe you need at least 48 hours notice to do things. Whatever the boundary is, remember that it’s about what you will do, not what someone else will do.
Practice saying no (start small)
When you’re out of practice saying no, it can seem really daunting, so start small. It takes practice to feel confident saying no. The next time someone asks you to do something small that you don’t want to do, practice saying no instead of automatically saying yes. It might be easier to say no over text instead of in person at first, for example.
When you do say no to something, it can be tempting to over explain or give a bunch of excuses, but you don’t have to do that. You can simply say no. It’s possible to say no while still being kind.
If someone is really pressuring you, and you want to buy more time to say no, you can say something like, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you,” or even just “Let me get back to you on that.”
Get comfortable with discomfort
It feels bad and even uncomfortable to disappoint people, but it’s a necessary part of setting boundaries. It can be helpful to practice getting comfortable with things that make you uncomfortable so that you can sit in the discomfort of disappointing someone without feeling the intense pressure to fix it or say yes when you don’t actually want to.
It can be, yes, uncomfortable to sit with discomfort. It might bring up painful feelings or fears that you’ll be rejected or that you’re unlikeable, or that you’re not a good person. Remember that feelings aren’t facts, and that they will pass. They won’t last forever. Once you get some practice sitting with discomfort, it will be easier to remember that the discomfort will eventually pass and that you will survive it.
Make time for yourself
When you spend all of your time on other people, you have nothing left for yourself. Try to actively make time for yourself. For everything you do for another person, do something for yourself.
Think about the things that are important to you. What are your values? What are the goals you have for yourself? What do you enjoy doing? If you had nothing but free time, what would you spend it doing? It’s not selfish to do things for yourself - it’s a normal part of taking care of yourself as a person. You’re worthy of care just as much as any other person.
