7 Ways to Listen Effectively in Relationships

What does it mean to listen effectively in relationships? 

Listening effectively means practicing active listening, where you focus on what the other person is saying rather than how you plan to respond. It also means working through defensiveness, communicating clearly, showing empathy, avoiding assumptions, and working to understand how each person approaches communication in general. 

We all want to be heard, especially by the people we are closest to. Communication is an essential building block in relationships, and when couples can’t communicate well, it can have a snowball effect leading to the breakdown of connection and even the relationship itself. Communication has two parts - talking and listening. Effective communication requires adjusting how you approach speaking and listening to one another so that you both feel heard.

When we can learn to listen more effectively, our relationships benefit. We feel heard and understood, which helps us feel a closer connection to our partners.

What gets in the way of listening effectively in relationships? 

There are many reasons why effective listening is disrupted in relationships. Some of the common reasons why couples struggle to listen effectively include: 

• Lack of active listening

• Distractions 

• Interruptions

• Judgments, assumptions, or blame

• Ineffective nonverbal communication

• Planning responses, instead of hearing what’s being said

• Defensiveness 

• Life experiences and trauma that each person brings to the conversation

• Different communication styles between partners

How can you listen more effectively in your relationship? 

Learn about each other’s communication styles

Do you understand how each of you prefers to communicate? Understanding the way each of you approaches communicating can be eye opening. Some people prefer to communicate very directly. Others need more time to process before they’re ready to discuss things. When you have a better understanding about how you each approach communication, you can feel less personally attacked by the other person’s communication style. 

Practice active listening

Active listening is a skill, and it takes practice. It involves focusing fully on the other person, being patient, minimizing distractions, asking open-ended questions, making eye contact, and reflecting what you hear back to the other person. 

It’s important to make sure you’re fully present in the conversation, so don’t let yourself get distracted by your phone, or the TV, or the kids playing in the other room. When you listen actively, you don’t rush the other person through the conversation, even if you’re eager to get to your turn. Allow them space to say what they need to say, and wait for your turn to respond. 

When they’re done speaking, summarize what your partner said and how you interpreted it so you can make sure that you’ve understood correctly. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and also shows your partner that you are paying attention and taking in their side of the conversation. 

Focus on what’s being said, not on how you plan to respond

This is a part of active listening. Make sure you’re focusing fully on what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt when it’s their turn to speak. Don’t plan your response in your head. Just listen to what they’re saying. In a healthy conversation, each person gets a chance to speak and say their piece. 

It can be really tempting to jump in and try to correct any misunderstandings you feel are occurring, but you’ll get a chance to do that when it’s your turn to talk. If you need to, you can write things down so you can remember what’s being said, so you don’t forget anything when it’s your turn. Just make sure you’re not letting that distract you from what your partner is saying - ask them to pause so you can write something down before they continue. 

Ask questions

This is another aspect of active listening. If you don’t understand something your partner has said or you need clarification on something, ask. When you do ask questions, try to make them open-ended questions rather than yes or no questions. Yes or no questions lead to yes or no answers, which aren’t as conducive to conversation as open-ended questions. 

Open-ended questions can give your partner an opportunity to explain their perspective further. This also shows your partner that you’re curious about understanding where they’re coming from, rather than just trying to get through the conversation. 

Work through defensiveness

Feeling defensive is natural, especially when discussing emotionally charged topics. However, responding defensively can shut down the conversation, so it’s important to work through defensiveness. How can you do that? It’s hard, and it’s another thing that takes practice. 

When you feel defensive, it’s often because you feel attacked by what the other person is saying. Sometimes that is true, but sometimes that feeling comes up because what they’re saying triggers a wound from something else in your history, like from your childhood, for example. When you feel defensive, you might be trying to protect yourself from an attack or trigger, so when it comes up you can ask yourself 

Defensiveness feels very urgent, like you must immediately jump into action and do something about it. Slowing down and taking a moment to collect yourself can help interrupt the urge to act on it. 

Try to be non-judgmental

It’s easier said than done, especially when having emotional conversations with a partner, but remaining non-judgmental during conversations goes a long way toward making the other person feel heard. Don’t place blame or criticize what they’re saying, or the conversation may shut down. 

Another aspect of this is to show empathy to your partner, or to demonstrate that you understand where they’re coming from. Even if it’s not how you see things, communicating that you understand why they feel the way that they feel can make them feel understood. 

Consider nonverbal communication

Communication isn’t entirely verbal. Your body language communicates a lot without you having to say a word. When you’re having a conversation with your partner, consider how your body language is coming across. Are you making eye contact to show them that you’re listening? Is your posture open and inviting, or closed off? 

One way to show that you’re focused on the conversation that’s happening is to lean toward the other person when they’re speaking. It’s also helpful to try to control your facial expressions, like not rolling your eyes or making other judgmental expressions while they speak, which can convey the opposite of what you’re trying to express while actively listening. 

Communication is essential in relationships, and listening effectively is a big part of that! If you need more support finding ways to practice active listening in your relationships, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.