The Dangers of Perfectionism and How to Overcome It
Are you a perfectionist?
If you struggle with perfectionism, you might have found that instead of making your life perfect, it actually makes it harder for you to enjoy your life. Here’s why, and what you can do about it.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism sounds good on the surface. Doing everything perfectly, or being perfect all of the time sounds like a noble goal for yourself. Some people find that trying to be the best at something can even be motivating. It’s possible to strive for excellence in what you do, and that can indeed be motivating. It’s important to remember that being perfect all of the time is not a realistic or achievable goal.
When you expect yourself to be perfect at everything all of the time and don’t give yourself room to be human, you set yourself up to fail. When you fail over and over, it leaves you feeling badly about yourself. This constant falling short of your goals doesn’t feel good. This type of perfectionism is something that psychologists call “maladaptive perfectionism”.
Some signs of maladaptive perfectionism include:
Thinking in extremes: Also known as all or nothing thinking. When you think in extremes, you have a hard time seeing that things aren’t just one way or the other, that there can be nuance, or gray area. It’s hard for you to break out of rigid thinking.
Extreme self-criticism: Having standards for yourself (and sometimes others) that are so high and impossible to meet that you are constantly criticizing yourself. This can also seriously impact your self-esteem.
Procrastination: When you put things off until the very last minute, because if you can’t do them perfectly, you might as well not do them at all.
Unreasonable standards: You may have unreasonable or unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. When you set goals, they’re not just high, they’re impossible to achieve.
Intense shame or guilt: Major feelings of shame or guilt due to the inability to meet your own expectations or the pressure you put on others.
Fear of failure or criticism: Having a hard time bouncing back from failure or coping with negative feedback.
Rumination: Constantly thinking back on mistakes, on what-if’s, on things you could have, or “should have” done, worrying excessively.
Are perfectionism and anxiety connected?
Research has shown that people with anxiety are more likely to struggle with perfectionism. Perfectionism seems like a way to maintain control over your life when you’re feeling anxious about things, but it often leaves you feeling more out of control than ever when you can’t live up to your expectations.
The intense pressure that perfectionists feel to be perfect all of the time and achieve at an impossible level is anxiety inducing. It’s also impossible to live up to. When you inevitably fail to meet those expectations of yourself, it can create anxiety over your self-image, your worth as a person, and make you feel like your life is out of control. This can create even more anxiety, and lead to a cycle where you keep trying to ease the anxiety by trying to make everything perfect, find yourself falling short, therefore increasing your anxiety, and starting over again. This is obviously very distressing!
Where does perfectionism come from?
If you struggle with perfectionism, it probably started as a way to make your life better, not worse. Some people feel enormous pressure to be perfect from their parents or family members, and carry that with them into adulthood. Others may have experienced a loss of control or trauma earlier in life, and feel that maintaining intense control by being perfect is a way to keep themselves safe now.
Some people have traits that naturally converge with perfectionistic traits, like self-criticism, low self-esteem, anxiety, and a self-image that’s largely based on what others think of them. There may even be a genetic aspect to perfectionism that makes people more likely to feel pressure to be perfect.
However it started, you don’t have to feel this way forever. Perfectionism can be tricky to unlearn, because it requires fundamentally changing how you think about yourself which can be a painful process. There’s a popular belief among perfectionists that things will get better if they just try a little bit harder or are a little bit better. Remember, this just feeds into the cycle.
If you’re looking to start to overcome your perfectionism, here are some tips to start:
Notice your perfectionistic thoughts
It’s hard to correct what you don’t notice. Take note of when your perfectionistic or self-critical thoughts come up. It might even be helpful to make a list of them in a journal or on your phone. It may surprise you how much comes up when you tune in to the way you’re talking to yourself!
You may want to also consider whether these perfectionistic tendencies have actually been beneficial in the past or if they’ve been harmful overall once you’ve added them up. Have they really made you successful? Or have they cost you in some ways? Noticing the true impact may help motivate you toward change.
Work on self-compassion
Perfectionism is often based in low self-esteem, so it’s essential to work on being kinder to yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels. When you notice unkind thoughts coming up about yourself, try to interrupt or reframe them. This can be helpful to do with a journal, or especially a therapist, who can help you notice patterns in your thinking and find new ways to address them.
Interrupt all or nothing thinking
Thinking in extremes is a cognitive distortion, or negative thinking pattern. These thinking patterns were learned, so they can be unlearned, often through therapy like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Unlearning patterns of thinking takes time but can be enormously helpful when you’re used to thinking rigidly.
Look for something good every time you notice a mistake
It’s hard to just stop seeing mistakes or problems cold-turkey when you’re so used to spotting them in yourself and others. Instead, the next time you find yourself spotting a mistake or pointing out a flaw, look for something positive to balance it out. This can help you get in the habit of finding the good in things instead of just the negative.
Don’t expect yourself to change overnight
Expecting yourself to go from perfectionist to non-perfectionist overnight is an example of that all or nothing thinking. Allow yourself to be a work in progress. Take baby steps. Try to set goals in bite sized chunks instead of trying to change yourself dramatically overnight. And do what you can to enjoy the process of getting there, instead of just focusing on the end goal. There’s a lot to enjoy in the thick of doing something, not just at the end result.
