5 Strategies for Coping With Anger in a Healthier Way
We all feel anger, but the way we cope with it matters.
Anger is a commonly misunderstood emotion, and one that often brings up fear or shame. We often hear about people who have anger management problems, and you can probably think of at least one person in your life who has a bad temper. Because of this, anger has a reputation as a negative emotion.
What is the purpose of anger?
Emotions are messengers, and anger is just like any other emotion. The purpose of anger is to convey that your boundaries have been crossed, or that there’s a threat to you in some way. In this way, anger is protective. It’s a signal that something is wrong. Evolutionarily speaking, the reason why we sometimes feel aggressive when we’re angry is because anger helps to prepare us to defend ourselves from attacks. That’s usually not necessary these days, though, and it can often get us into trouble.
Other times, anger might be covering up other feelings, like shame, fear, or grief. These are painful emotions, and anger can be a defense mechanism that helps avoid having to process those. There is a range of anger. Sometimes it’s mild, and sometimes it’s full blown rage. Either way, the problem with anger is often the reaction to it.
Why does anger feel frightening?
It can be scary to feel overwhelmed by an intense emotion like anger. Sometimes, the things that trigger intense anger are things that objectively aren’t a big deal, like a traffic jam or an annoying person at work. When small things like that make you fly off the handle, it can be scary to realize you’re so out of control.
The emotion itself often isn’t the problem, it’s the response to anger that causes people to act in ways that are sometimes frightening. Sometimes people react to anger by yelling or becoming violent. Sometimes people try to numb their angry feelings with substances, which causes more problems down the line. Out of control responses to anger can impact your success at work, your relationships with others, and even your physical health because of the way anger impacts your blood pressure and heart rate.
How is anger gendered and racialized?
Responses to anger are often highly gendered. People who are raised and socialized as women are taught to have different responses to anger than people who are raised and socialized as men. Anger is one of the only emotions that we allow men to express openly. Women, on the other hand, are often taught to hide their anger. People of all genders get angry, but there’s often a gendered aspect to the way people feel able to express their anger.
There are also racial stereotypes related to anger. There is the stereotype of the “angry Black woman” that paints any Black woman who shows anger or assertiveness as out of control with rage or aggression, which is obviously racist and untrue. This discrimination goes beyond this stereotype. People of color are often minimized as angry or aggressive when they bring up microaggressions at work or in community spaces, for example. These stereotypes can have devastating consequences professionally, interpersonally, and with interactions with law enforcement, as we’ve seen all too frequently.
What can you do when you feel angry?
It’s important to remember that while you can’t control your emotions, you can control your responses to them, even when it feels like you can’t. Learning how to do this takes practice and self-compassion. You’re not a bad person for getting angry. Anger is a normal human experience. We all feel it from time to time. If your anger gets out of control in a way that scares you or others though, it’s definitely time to take steps to control it in a more constructive way.
Here are some ideas to cope with anger in a healthier way:
Explore your anger triggers and avoid them where possible
Do you know what tends to trigger your anger? Try to notice what situations tend to spark your anger and see where you can minimize them. This won’t always be possible, but there may be some situations that you can avoid or step away from to help keep your anger in check.
It may also be helpful to notice the warning signs that your anger is rising. Does your heart start to beat faster? Do you get sweaty? Do your thoughts start to race? Does your jaw clench? Noticing these signs can help you recognize when it’s time to step away from situations to get your anger under control before you do or say something you’ll regret later.
Use the STOP skill from DBT
DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, uses many different skills to help with emotional regulation. One of them is called the STOP skill, which is an acronym that stands for:
Stop - pause what you’re doing and name the emotion you’re feeling
Take a step back - physically step away from the situation and breathe deeply while you think about how to respond
Observe - gather the facts of the situation without jumping to conclusions or making judgments
Proceed mindfully - stay calm and make a choice of what to do that’s in line with what you want to get out of the situation, what your goals are, or what will make the situation better or worse
When you’re angry, it’s tempting to get carried away with your emotions. Using this skill helps interrupt that urgency by having you stop what you’re doing, step away and calm down, consider the facts of the situation, and make a more informed choice of what to do instead of acting on your emotions.
Release your anger with physical activity
A great way to release your anger is to use physical activity to work out the intensity of the feelings. If you’re able to, moving your body intensely, even briefly, can help get out some of the pent up energy that is building up when you're angry. This can also serve as a great distraction from whatever’s making you angry.
It doesn’t have to be an extended workout session. You can do some jumping jacks or jog in place. You can go for a walk around the block. If you’re a runner, go for a quick run. Maybe go to the park and shoot some hoops or hit a tennis ball around. Lifting weights for a bit might also feel good.
Throw socks at the wall
A lot of people get the urge to throw something or break something when they’re angry. This can be one of the ways that anger can turn frightening for themselves or the people around them. There are ways to fulfill this urge while being safe, however! In a room where you’re by yourself, throw balled up socks at the wall. This could also work with stuffed animals or small pillows. (This is probably best on a wall that’s not shared with any neighbors.) Or, try playing a sport where the point is to hit something, like tennis or pickleball.
If you have the urge to break something, consider going to a rage room (sometimes called a smash room) which is a business with rooms where you’re given objects to destroy in a safe place. This can be cathartic, and you won’t be scaring anyone. If you feel the urge to scream, try screaming into a pillow to muffle the sound.
Distract yourself
Sometimes distraction is a negative thing, but other times it’s a great coping skill. If you’re angry and feeling out of control, distraction can be a great way to bring down your emotional intensity. What helps you feel totally engaged? Maybe it’s physical movement, as mentioned above. Maybe it’s something creative, like a craft or art project. Maybe it’s a movie or TV show.
Or maybe it’s deep cleaning something in your apartment, calling a friend and talking about how you feel, playing with a pet or a child, writing in your journal, working in a garden (balconies and stoops count!), or cooking. Anything that will pull you out of ruminating on your anger works!
Work with a therapist
Learning to cope with anger is a skill, and it can be tricky to do on your own. This is especially true if your anger has risen to the level where it is scaring you or others in your life. If that is the case, working with a therapist who can help you find safe ways to express your anger is a great option that we highly recommend. Therapy can help you explore the way you were taught to view anger as you were growing up, find the triggers for your anger, notice the warning signs that you experience, and explore coping strategies that work best for you when you get angry so that anger doesn’t control your life anymore.
