What to Do After an Argument With Your Partner
How do you and your partner tend to react after an argument?
The aftermath of an argument can be a tricky time. It’s easy to get pulled back into the argument instead of moving forward and repairing things with your partner, or to get stuck in a cycle of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Finding ways to repair and move forward can bring you closer together after an argument, and improve your relationship overall.
Every couple argues - it’s what you do after an argument that matters.
No one enjoys fighting with someone they love, but arguing is normal for couples. When there’s no conflict in a relationship, it can actually be a bad sign. Conflict can help us grow and develop deeper intimacy with our partners, and without it, relationships can suffer.
Repairing after a conflict can actually strengthen your relationship. Repair reminds you that you can disagree and still take one another seriously and treat each other with respect. Taking time to repair after a fight helps you work through the difficult and hurt feelings, discuss any miscommunications, and increase your resilience (or your ability to get through hard things together) as a couple. Through all of this, your relationship and your bond with each other will grow stronger and deepen.
That all sounds easier said than done when you’re upset in the moment, though. In the immediate aftermath of an argument with your partner, what are you supposed to do? Here are some ideas to help you repair and move forward:
Take some time
Before you jump back into discussion, take some time to assess what you’re feeling. Take a break and take a few deep breaths, or take a quick walk around the block for some fresh air. Talk to someone else if you need to to get some of your feelings out. You don’t have to jump right back into conversation with your partner right away, and waiting for a bit until you both feel more emotionally regulated can actually help improve the conversation.
If you’re struggling to bring down your distress level, you can try other coping strategies like holding an ice cube in your hand until it melts, engaging in a burst of high intensity exercise like running in place or jumping jacks, or taking a hot or cold shower.
Once you’re feeling a bit more calm, you can consider what you’d like to say to your partner. What’s going on underneath your hurt feelings and anger that you’d like to express? Is there a core wound or fear that this argument is triggering? Are you frustrated that your partner can’t seem to see your perspective?
Take turns sharing
When you’re both feeling able to sit down and have a calmer conversation, you can talk about what you’re both feeling. Take turns sharing with each other what’s going on underneath the surface of the argument. Try not to use blaming language here, because that can cause defensiveness and lead right back into an argument. Focus on naming how you feel and how their actions impacted you instead.
It’s crucial at this stage to practice active listening while the other person is talking. That means you’re listening to understand, not to respond. You will get your turn to talk, but while it’s their turn, make sure to listen to what they’re saying and really try to see where they’re coming from. Validating their feelings can go a long way toward soothing hurt feelings after an argument.
Own your side
When you discuss your argument with your partner, it’s important for you to take responsibility and own your side of the argument, and for them to do the same. If there’s anything you need to apologize for, apologize sincerely. Try to explain how you were feeling and why you said and did what you did without blaming the other person.
If there are any patterns of behavior that you need to work on, you can own up to them here, and share how you plan to work on them. It’s okay to have things to work on–we all do. That’s part of being human. No one is perfect, and no one is perfect in relationships. Owning up when we’ve made mistakes is the best we can do to move forward.
Make repair attempts
When arguments get intense, repair attempts are a helpful way to bring the intensity back down and reconnect with one another. Sometimes after a fight, it’s hard to remember you’re on the same side. Repair attempts are a good way to remind each other that you’re a team, even when you disagree.
Repair attempts can look like physical touch, attempts at humor to lighten the mood or cut the tension, taking a walk or leaving the room to cool off, saying something nice to your partner, or apologizing.
Take time to be together
When you’ve finished your discussion, take some time to reset and be together. Give each other a big hug. Tell your partner you love them. Make bids for connection to your partner, like asking if they’d like to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. If they make bids for connection to you, don’t ignore them.
Reassure them that you take their feelings seriously, and that you are a team united against the problem, not two people against each other. It may be helpful to take a moment to talk about some things you appreciate about each other to get some distance from the argument and get back into a more loving headspace.
See a therapist
If conflict is a sticking point in your relationship, and you’re struggling to manage it together, it might be time to bring in a therapist. A couples therapist will provide a space for you both to speak freely about what’s going on and how you feel about it, work with both of you to figure out ways to communicate more effectively, and find ways to de-escalate conflict when it gets to be too overwhelming for you both.
Repairing after an argument can be tricky, but it can actually help you and your partner grow closer. If you and your partner need support managing conflict, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.
