How to Repair Your Relationship After Infidelity
Are you considering repairing your relationship after infidelity?
First, if you’re reading this, it’s because your relationship has gone through something major - an affair is an incredibly serious breach of trust. That’s an awful experience, and we’re sorry you’re experiencing it.
Sometimes an affair is the end of a relationship. Sometimes an affair is the catalyst that leads you to rebuilding your relationship stronger than it was before and finding new connection and appreciation within one another - a new start for your relationship. If you’re deciding whether you want to call it quits or repair your relationship after an affair, here’s what you should know.
How to know if you want to repair and rebuild trust
Trust is essential to any relationship, and after it’s been broken, it takes time and effort to rebuild. You and your partner get to make the decision if you want to do that work, and it will take work.
After an affair, you can take stock in the relationship and consider what it is you’re working to preserve. What are you fighting to save? Is this a relationship you want to work for, or are you feeling like this is the final nail in the coffin? There are no wrong answers. Take the time to consider what you really want - not what anyone else will think, what people will say, how you’ll tell everyone. What do you want?
Some other questions to ask yourself and your partner to decide if you want to do the work to repair your relationship after infidelity include:
Is the affair fully over? If the affair is ongoing, there won’t be a possibility for repair.
Has the partner who had the affair apologized? There has to be real remorse and real attempt at repair on the part of the partner who had the affair, not just frustration when the hurt partner is upset. There isn’t a way to sidestep the fallout.
Are you both interested in making amends? This is an important question! If you’re not both interested in making amends to one another, then repair is likely off the table.
Are you able to let go of your hurt and resentment to do the work on your relationship? The partner who was cheated on will naturally be hurt, but in order to move forward, there will need to be a point where they let go of the hurt and resentment to do the work to repair. Do you see that as a possibility?
Can you both picture a future together? It will likely be hard in the wake of an affair, but if you can’t picture a future together at all, what are you working to repair?
Are both of you ready to put effort into the relationship? Relationships take work, and repairing them even more so. This process will take vulnerability, honesty, sincerity, patience, courage, and time. Are you willing to do the work? It’s okay if you’re not!
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, psychologists who spent their careers working with and researching couples, identified 3 stages for affair recovery for couples interested in working through an affair. They are:
Atone
This is the first stage of affair recovery and repair. In this stage, the partner who had the affair must take responsibility, make amends, and deal with the fallout of the affair. This includes dealing with the hurt and anger of their partner without blaming their hurt partner for the affair. The person who was hurt must remain open to forgiving their partner.
In this stage, it’s important for the person who had the affair to be open and honest with their partner about the details of the affair. This can be very uncomfortable and painful for everyone, but honesty is important. Be honest about why the affair happened, when and where it happened, who it was with, everything. Give them the answers to the questions they have, even when it’s awkward and painful.
To rebuild trust, it’s important for the partner who cheated to be reliable and consistent to their partner. Prioritizing open and honest communication can go a long way in this stage toward nurturing trust.
Attune
In the second phase of affair recovery, partners begin to attune, or build a new relationship with one another. This is the phase where partners will dig in to figure out what the problems were that led to the affair in the first place. They work to find new ways to connect and interact with one another that are healthier than their old patterns. As they grow closer, they learn how to become more emotionally responsive to each other’s needs, to check in with one another instead of assuming what’s going on, and to talk about the hard things before they get worse.
In this phase, both partners need to remain open to the other partner’s internal experiences, and stay committed to building a new relationship together. This process takes time and work! It took years to develop the unhealthy relationship patterns that led to the affair, and it will take time to undo them and learn new ones.
Attach
In the final phase of affair recovery, partners work to become more attached to one another. This phase is about re-learning how to have fun with each other, including rebuilding a satisfying sex life. Reintroducing sex after an affair can be emotionally intense. That’s why it’s important to go through the first two stages, so that partners have a foundation where they’ve worked through the hurt and resentment and started to rebuild their connection with healthier dynamics before reintroducing sex into the equation.
How couples therapy can help with affair recovery
If these stages sound intense, it’s because they can be. Repairing after infidelity is an emotionally charged time in a relationship, and we highly recommend utilizing the guidance of Working with a couples therapist with training in modalities like Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you have the tough conversations that are necessary while rebuilding trust and your connection to one another.
Repairing after an affair is difficult, but not impossible. If you and your partner are looking to rebuild your relationship after infidelity, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.
