Anticipatory Grief: Grieving Before a Loss Happens
Have you ever felt grief before a loss actually happened?
This experience is known as anticipatory grief, and it’s more common than you might think.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief, which is also sometimes known as anticipatory mourning, is the grief that a person feels before a loss. Often, the loss is associated with the death of a loved one, but not always. Anticipatory grief can also be felt around any major life change.
We tend to think about grief as something that is mostly experienced around death and dying, but in reality, grief happens for lots of reasons. The grief experts at the Grief Recovery Method define grief as “the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind.” When changes happen in life, it can bring up big feelings, including grief.
Some of the situations that can bring up anticipatory grief include:
Having a loved one with dementia or other neurodegenerative disease
You or a loved one receiving a terminal diagnosis
Moving to a new city
Changing jobs or retirement
Experiencing the dissolution of a relationship or marriage, and going through a divorce
Leaving for college, or having your kids leave for college
Watching an elderly pet decline in health
You or a loved one receiving a diagnosis for a chronic illness or a progressive disease
Moving a parent or loved one to hospice care
Scheduling or waiting for life-altering medical procedures like organ transplants, mastectomies, etc.
Climate change
What are the symptoms of anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is similar to what we would consider typical grief that occurs after a loss or change, except that it’s happening before that loss occurs. Anticipatory grief can be confusing, because you might not feel it every day. You might feel fine one day and then totally out of control the next. It can be hard to imagine what your future will look like after this loss or change happens, and that uncertainty can bring up intense feelings.
Some of the common symptoms of anticipatory grief include:
Irritability and mood swings
Increased anxiety about the situation getting worse or the loss occurring
Guilt and regret over things in the past, like arguments or past behavior
Shame over wanting a dying loved one to be free of their suffering, or wanting them to stay despite their pain
Fear of what’s going to happen and what life will look like after
Anger at the situation
Sadness and frequent crying
Difficulty controlling emotional reactions
Social isolation
Loss of safety and security that you felt before the situation
What are the stages of anticipatory grief?
Grief is a complex experience, and we process it in stages. There are 5 stages of grief that occur after a loss or change: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Some grief experts have identified four stages of anticipatory grief that people experience. They are:
Phase 1: Acceptance
In this stage, the griever comes to the understanding that death (or change) is inevitable. Common feelings include sadness, anger, and denial.
Phase 2: Reflection
In this stage, the griever experiences concern for the dying person, regret or guilt over past actions, and the dying person may experience worry for the emotions of their loved ones and fear over death. By the end of this stage, the griever starts to come to terms with their emotions, which may include anger, guilt, and regret.
Phase 3: Rehearsal
In this stage, the griever starts to rehearse how the loss or change will feel, both during and after, and what will happen.
Phase 4: Imagining the Future
Finally, the griever begins to imagine how life will be after the loss or change, and the emotions that will come with it.
As with the other stages of grief, these stages often aren’t linear, and you may go back and forth between them during the experience of anticipatory grief. You may also experience the other stages of grief on top of these stages. Whatever you are feeling is a normal response to what you are experiencing.
Are there any benefits to anticipatory grief?
Grief is a normal reaction to loss or change, whether it’s before or after a loss.
Some experts argue that anticipatory grief is beneficial, as it allows the griever to work through their unfinished business and say their goodbyes if a death is involved. It also allows the griever a chance to imagine their life afterward, which some argue can be beneficial to prepare.
For people who lose someone or experience life-altering events suddenly, the idea of being able to prepare or say goodbye may bring up feelings of jealousy or even anger. However, at least one study has shown that people who experience anticipatory grief before a loss have more intense experiences of grief than people who only experience conventional grief.
The stress of the anticipatory grief period can take a toll and be particularly hard on the person grieving. And people who experience anticipatory grief don’t get to skip the grieving process after a loss. They just experience more grief on top of the grief they’ve already experienced. It’s not really a way of getting around the grief process after a loss or change, it just tends to add to the overall grief a person experiences.
How can you cope with anticipatory grief?
If you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, it can be all-consuming. If you’re losing a loved one, or experiencing a life altering change, it can be hard to focus on anything else. Remember that you’re worthy of care and consideration during this time too. Here are some ways to cope during this difficult time:
Tell people what you’re going through
Often, the urge for grievers is to isolate yourself, but it’s important to maintain connections right now. Tell someone you trust how you feel and what you’re going through. Maybe it’s a family member, a friend, someone else who’s grieving too, a support group, a medical provider, a therapist, a spiritual leader - anyone so you don’t have to carry this alone. Social connections are essential for the difficult times in life, and grief is one of the most difficult things we experience. You deserve support.
Let yourself feel your feelings
This might be the opposite of what you want to do, since many of your feelings right now are probably painful. However, pushing your feelings down or ignoring them won’t make them go away, it will just make them come out later and make you feel worse in the meantime. Anything you are feeling right now is valid.
Finding ways to express and process your emotions can help you move through the grieving process. Some people process emotions through talking, some through movement, some through art or music, some through journaling, some through cooking, some through nature or gardening. There are many ways to process your feelings. Don’t just let them sit there.
Be nice to yourself
Anticipatory grief can bring up some intense feelings of guilt, shame, regret, and anger, among others. You might be beating yourself up about things from the past, things you did or didn’t do, relationships you wish had been different, or time you wish you had spent differently. Even though it might seem impossible, try to be kind to yourself right now. Grief is hard enough. How would you treat a loved one in this situation? How would your loved ones treat you if they knew how hard you were being on yourself?
There’s nothing you can do about the past. We all have things we wish we’d done differently. That makes you human. You can only learn from it, and let that inform how you act now.
Take care of the basics
When you’re grieving, it feels like the whole world stops, but it doesn’t. You still need to take care of yourself. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, that you’re getting enough to eat, that you’re hydrating. Take your meds. Get outside and take a walk around the block if you need it. Ask for help from the people who love you.
Reach out to a mental health professional
Grief is complex, and it can be hard to hold alone. This is especially true for anticipatory grief. A therapist can give you a safe space to navigate what you’re going through during this complicated time. A therapist can help you process your feelings through each stage of grief, manage the symptoms you’re experiencing, and help if you’re experiencing complicated grief, or prolonged grief disorder.
