5 Tips for Coping With Pet Loss
Losing a pet is a unique type of grief.
If you’ve ever loved a pet, you know how special the connection and comfort that animals bring can be. Unfortunately, grief over pet loss can be misunderstood by people who don’t understand this important bond.
Our pets help us get through hard times. They often understand our emotions. They provide entertainment when they act goofy, and joy when they greet you at the door when you come home. Pets offer companionship, cuddles, and unconditional love, and when we lose our animal family members, that loss is felt deeply.
Why pets are so important to us
Pets are a major part of our everyday life. According to research conducted by the American Pet Products Association, 95 million (or 70.1% of) households in the US have a pet. And for a lot of those people, pets are more than just an animal. They’re a member of the family, who are an essential part of their everyday routine. When a pet dies, the grief you feel is just like the grief from any other death or loss, but it’s often not treated that way.
Being a pet owner can open up your world in ways that non-pet owners may not realize. Walking your dog can help you meet your neighbors and become a more connected community member. Being a cat person may help you get involved in cat rescue in your area. Animal rescue of any kind brings people together in meaningful ways. Raising chickens in your yard can also help you meet neighbors when you have extra eggs to share. These connections can expand your world in meaningful ways that would not have been available to you without your pets.
Pet loss is a type of disenfranchised grief.
You experience disenfranchised grief when you’re grieving a loss that isn’t socially acknowledged or supported in ways that other grief typically is. Losing a pet isn’t treated the same way that other familial loss is, socially. You don’t get time off work. There usually isn’t a funeral or an organized way to say goodbye. People don’t drop off lasagnas at your house or check in on how you’re doing weeks later.
The grief you feel at the loss of your animal companion is just as real as any other kind of grief. This is true even if the people around you don’t seem to understand, or if the world keeps moving around you after your loss.
Why losing a pet causes such intense grief
For many of us, our pets are our constant companions. They see us through the best and worst of our lives. Pets are there for us through different seasons of life, through different relationships, jobs, and homes. They’re by our sides as we face health challenges or life transitions. For many people, our pets see us as our real selves, and love us without judgment or conditions. Relationships like that are rare, and can be profoundly healing. Losing a love like that is shattering. Animals can even help us shift how we feel about ourselves. You may think: “If this perfect animal can love me, maybe I’m lovable after all?”
Our animals often give us a sense of purpose in life. This is especially true when we’re struggling with other things, like a terrible job or mental health issues. Having a pet to take care of can give you meaning and a reason to keep going. When you lose that sense of purpose, particularly during a difficult season in life, you may not know how to keep going.
Sometimes a pet dies in a way that’s traumatic or sudden. This kind of loss can be beyond upsetting, it can leave you with extreme guilt or even PTSD depending on the situation. You’re not overreacting for how you respond to the sudden or traumatic loss of a beloved family member.
Watching a precious pet decline in health is heartbreaking. We all want to do what we can to save our pets and keep them with us forever, but sometimes there’s no way to do that compassionately. It’s gut wrenching to be the one to make the choice to end their suffering. Remember that ultimately, it’s an act of love to protect them from further pain.
However you’re feeling about the loss of your pet, know that your feelings are valid. Grief is complex, and it’s essential to acknowledge your feelings to move through them.
Pet ownership and anticipatory grief
One of the hardest things about owning pets is knowing that they don’t live as long as we wish they would. Anticipating the grief of losing them is difficult to balance. You don’t want to waste any precious time with your pet, but you also know that grief is around the corner.
You might feel anxiety about your pet’s health or medical care. You might feel guilt for the care you’ve given them in the past, or for feeling like you might be relieved when the end comes, because their pain will be over. Sometimes anticipatory grief causes you to play out what life will be like after your loss in your mind, to help steel yourself for what’s coming. All of this is normal. You’re not a bad person for feeling any of this.
Try to remind yourself that you can’t control the future, and that you’re doing your best with the information you have now. All you can do is enjoy the time you have with your pet now. Trust yourself and your veterinary team to make the right decisions when the time comes. Talking about all of this with a therapist can be helpful so you can work through these complex feelings.
How you can cope with pet loss
When you lose a pet, the grief you feel is real. There isn’t a magic trick to make it go away, but there are some ways to help you move through the grieving process to help you cope with the sadness you feel.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings
Pushing your feelings away isn’t going to make them disappear, unfortunately. Even though they’re painful, part of the grieving process is allowing yourself to mourn and let yourself feel the loss. All of the feelings that come up are valid. It’s normal to feel sadness, anger, guilt, regret, disbelief, shock, fear, loneliness, and more.
You may experience the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are often not experienced in order, and you might go back and forth between them multiple times. That’s normal too.
Allow yourself to say goodbye
As humans, we use rituals to help us process things. Funerals and memorials are one way we process death and loss. We often don’t have those for animal loss, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a funeral or memorial for your pet. A funeral or memorial for your pet may help you say goodbye, celebrate their life and its importance to you, and start to process your loss in a meaningful way.
Saying a few words with some people who loved your pet might feel right, or maybe planting a tree or other plant in their honor. Another way to go could be a donation to an animal shelter or rescue organization in their name. Some people get jewelry made using the ashes of their pet so they can wear it and feel close to their animal. Others get tattoos to remember their pet. You might keep their collar or their water bowl, or make a photo album of memories, or get some photos framed for your wall so you can see them every day. There are no wrong ways to do this.
Don’t compare your loss to other people’s
Other people may not understand how you’re feeling, and that’s their business, not yours. Your grief is valid. You don’t need to compare it to anyone else’s or feel guilty that your loss is not “as bad” as someone else’s loss. You lost someone important to you, and you’re allowed to mourn. If people say, “It was just an animal,” let them. Don’t waste your energy arguing, just know that they’re not safe people to turn to with your feelings right now.
Talk about how you feel
Since pet loss is a type of disenfranchised grief, people don’t really know how to talk about it. They might say they’re sorry for your loss when they first hear about it, but not follow up after that, even though you’re still hurting weeks or months later. It’s okay to be open about how you’re feeling with other people. It’s also okay to let the people who love you know that you need support while you grieve.
If you need support from other people who understand this type of loss, there are pet loss support groups both in person and online, and pet loss resources from animal rescue groups that may be helpful. Animal lovers know how you feel right now. You’re not alone.
Work with a therapist to process your loss
Grief is intense, and sometimes you need more support than you can get alone. Working with a therapist who understands grief and loss can make a big difference in your bereavement journey. Losing a pet can be a major life transition, and therapy can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and plan any steps you want to take to cope with your grief.
