Questions You Should Ask Your Partner Before Moving in Together
Living with other people, even people you really love, is hard.
If you’ve ever struggled to live with a romantic partner, you’re not alone. While moving in together is exciting, it can open up new issues in your relationship as you both learn to adjust.
Living with other people can take some getting used to whether you’ve been living on your own for a while or living with roommates. If you’ve been on your own for a while, it’s hard to get used to someone being in your space all of the time, even if you really like the person. Similarly, when you go from having a roommate to living with a romantic partner you may need time to adjust to the new dynamics, because there is more vulnerability involved when you’re sharing your space with a romantic partner than with a roommate.
Communication keeps relationships healthy, but it’s easier said than done. Learning more about how you each communicate can help you avoid misunderstandings.
Communicating before you move in together gives you a chance to understand each other’s expectations and try to head off unnecessary conflict. Big changes like moving can bring up complicated feelings, so it’s important to be on the same page whenever possible. Practicing having these kinds of conversations before you move in together will help set you up to communicate effectively throughout your relationship.
Here are five types of questions to ask your partner before moving in together.
Value Questions
Sometimes moving in together allows couples to realize that they have very different values. It’s possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share the same values as you, but it’s helpful to know that before you go through the trouble and expense of moving in together. These questions can help you get started:
What is your approach to finances? Are you more of a spender or a saver?
How do you each feel about having pets in the house?
What goals are we working toward, individually and as a couple?
How do we plan to navigate spending time with each of our families?
What values do you try to prioritize in your daily life?
Boundary Questions
Everyone has boundaries, and it’s important to know what your partner’s boundaries are before you move in together. Try asking questions like these:
What aspects of our relationship are you comfortable with me disclosing to close friends?
What are the boundaries of our relationship - what would be considered cheating by each of us?
Do we have any personal items that require special care or that are off limits?
How much alone time do you like to have every week? How should we communicate our needs for alone time?
What dealbreakers do you have in a living situation?
Habit Questions
Some of these questions you might already know the answer to because you’re a couple and have spent time together before. But even if you think you already know, it can be helpful to talk these questions over so you don’t encounter any surprises after you move in. Some habit questions to ask include:
How late do you tend to stay up? Are you a light sleeper?
When do you usually get up in the morning?
How do you like to sleep? Do you need the room to be cold? Do you use a CPAP machine? Do you need total silence and darkness, or does background noise help you sleep?
How much time do you spend on personal interests and hobbies each week? How will we balance that living together?
Do you prefer to order in, go out to eat, or cook at home?
Questions about Expectations
One of the biggest challenges for couples is dividing up the labor that is required to keep a household running. Many couples disagree about how much effort is put into Here are some questions to get you started discussing your expectations. Here are some questions to ask:
Why do we want to move in together? How will it improve our relationship? What does this mean for our relationship in the future (are we heading toward marriage)?
Where do we want to live?
How will we divide household chores and tasks?
Will we be merging finances, or keeping things separate?
If we’re keeping things separate, how will we determine who pays for what?
Is there anything we’re nervous about when it comes to moving in together?
How often do we expect to have visitors at home?
How often do we expect to have sex when we live together? How do we plan to handle mismatched libidos?
How much time do we plan to spend doing things as a couple on a weekly basis?
Conflict Questions
Conflict in our important relationships is very dysregulating, and it’s impossible to avoid forever. Knowing how you each expect to be treated during times of conflict and how you soothe yourselves can help you build empathy for each other in times of distress. Make sure you discuss things like:
What is off limits during conflict for you?
What do you like to do when you’re overwhelmed?
How do we handle needing a break during conflict?
What are conflicts we’ve had with roommates in the past?
How do you prefer to be approached about difficult topics?
What can we do when we disagree about an important household decision?
Communicating about difficult or deeply personal issues can be intimidating, but it gets easier with practice. If you’re looking for more support with communication in your relationships, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.