How to Figure Out Your Values
Do you know your values?
You might have a general idea of what matters to you, but have you ever actually pinpointed which values you prioritize in life? It might not sound like the most exciting activity ever, but determining your values can actually be pretty helpful.
Why you should know your values
Knowing what matters to you helps guide you through life. It helps you make decisions, determine your goals, and ultimately what kind of life you want to lead.
Knowing your values can increase your confidence. When you’re acting in alignment with what’s important to you, you feel better about yourself and more confident in your ability to move through the world in a way you can be proud of.
Understanding your values can also improve your relationships. You can get a better understanding of what makes them tick, and develop deeper connections with people who share your values.
Keep in mind that everyone has different values, even people who have a lot in common. What matters most to you is personal, and shouldn’t be determined by anyone but you. Your values should work for you, and reflect how you really feel, not how you think someone wants you to feel.
What happens when you don’t know your values
When you don’t know what your values are, you might struggle with feeling out of alignment with who you are and who you want to be. You might experience shame for acting outside of your values even if you can’t pinpoint them.
People who don’t have their values figured out are often easily influenced by others and less confident in who they are. You might find yourself doing things you know aren’t great, just because someone else is doing it.
How often should you consider your values
It’s important to note that you do not have to be perfectly in alignment with all of your values at all times. You might have times where you value one thing, but have to choose another. You might have periods where you struggle to live up to your values. That’s okay! It’s human. You’re allowed to not do everything perfectly all the time. However, if you notice that your values aren’t feeling aligned with who you are now, it might be time to re-evaluate them.
We shift and change all the time, so it’s important to check back in every once in a while to make sure the values you’re prioritizing are still relevant to you. Values shouldn’t change every day, but over a period of years, or after major life altering events, things might shift.
So, how can you determine your values?
Think about your life experiences
To get started, consider the major experiences you’ve had in life that have impacted you. Also consider life experiences that people you care about have had that affected you in some way. Are there any common threads? Maybe the moments that stick out are the ones where someone helped someone else. Or maybe the throughline is seeing injustice and wanting to find a way to correct it.
Consider what upsets you - that’s where you should dig deeper. What upsets you about others? What upsets you when others do it? What upsets you about yourself? What makes you start to like a person, or start to dislike a person? What gives you the ick? What do you see as a green flag? This is all information you can use as you determine your values.
Try new things
Another way to find what matters to you is to try new things and have new experiences. There’s a lot out there that you probably don’t know about, and trying new things can help you learn more about the world and yourself. What things are you drawn to?
Consider people you admire
Next, think about the people you admire, whether you know them in real life or not. What are their values? What do they stand for? Are there any that resonate with you, or any that you definitely don’t want to emulate? Are there figures from history that you’re drawn to? What values do you think they had?
Reflect on what your ideal life would look like
Imagine a day in your ideal future life. If money and other issues weren’t present, how would you spend your time? What would the day look like, from start to finish? Where are you, who are you with, what are you doing? What matters to you in this imagined scenario? What doesn’t matter to you? What are you working toward? What makes you happy?
Read lists of potential values and circle possibilities
Now that you have an idea of what kind of values people have, it’s time to look at a list and circle the options that feel right to you. Don’t circle everything, but don’t try to edit at this stage, either. Here’s a list of values from Brené Brown to get you started.
Narrow down to 3-5 core values
Take a new sheet of paper and write down the values you circled in the last step. Now, take some time and narrow your selections down so that you’re left with 3-5 core values. Are there any similar values you can combine? Are there any that matter to you somewhat, but not as much as others? Try to stick with the ones that feel like they are your top priority for now.
Once you’ve narrowed things down, you have your list of values that you can commit to going forward.
Check in with yourself regularly about what’s important to you
Remember, it’s important to check in with yourself regularly to make sure your selected values still represent what matters to you. Your values may change as you get older, have new experiences, and meet new people. That’s normal, and expected. Every few years, reflect on if the values you just picked out still feel aligned with you you are right now, or if it’s time to shift.
Determining your values is one way to get to know yourself better. Therapy is another! Our therapists at Anchor Counseling New York are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.
