3 Ways to Make Difficult Conversations Easier
It’s normal to get nervous before a difficult conversation.
After all, it’s a difficult conversation - there’s a lot of things going on. You’re trying to get your point across, regulate your emotions, and manage your relationship with the other person, all at the same time. It’s not easy!
However, communication is essential to maintaining our relationships over the long term. If we don’t have difficult conversations, over time resentment and disappointment will build up and potentially damage the relationship past the point of repair.
This is a time when we need relationships and connections more than ever. Our communities and connections with one another is what keeps us going in times of unrest, political uncertainty, and overwhelm. Learning how to have difficult conversations and repair damage in relationships has never been more important.
It takes practice, but it’s possible to make difficult interactions less overwhelming. Here are 3 things you can do to make difficult conversations easier:
Prepare ahead with DEARMAN
DEAR MAN is an acronym used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help you remember how to advocate for yourself. The DEAR part of the acronym describes what you do during the interaction, and the MAN part describes how you do it. This podcast episode offers a helpful description of the DEAR MAN framework.
The acronym stands for:
Describe: Tell the other person what is going on, using just the facts of the situation (no judgments or interpretations).
Express: Let them know how you feel about what’s going on. Use “I” statements to describe what’s going on, so that the person you’re talking to feels less defensive. Even if you’re discussing their behavior, starting the conversation with “you always do this,” or “you never do this,” is a sure way to get them on the defensive and less likely to hear what you have to say, even if it’s reasonable.
Assert: This is where you ask for what you need out of the interaction, so make sure you clarify that before you speak to them. Be as direct as possible, and ask for what you need clearly.
Reinforce: Let them know how they would benefit, or what would be in it for them if they agree to your request.
(Be) Mindful: As you make your request, stay focused on the topic you’re discussing, and don’t get sidetracked. Repeat yourself if necessary. Try to avoid being defensive and reacting angrily.
Appear Confident: Even if you don’t actually feel confident in your request, try to appear confident to the other person. Use body language to project an image of confidence.
Negotiate: This should be a last resort, but keep in mind that you may have to give something to get what you want.
DEAR MAN requires that you do some work in advance to know what you want to get out of the conversation, but it also helps you to feel more prepared to follow through and actually ask for what you need.
Calm yourself ahead of time
One of the steps in DEAR MAN is to be mindful, which includes trying not to react angrily or defensively during the conversation. Of course, this is often easier said than done! One way to make this a little easier is to try to calm yourself down ahead of time by using grounding techniques or breathwork.
Try using a 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise or using box breathing to slow yourself down and come back to the present moment before you go into the difficult conversation. This will help you go into the interaction as calm as possible, so that you’re not already emotionally activated before the conversation even begins.
Choose the right place and time
Location, location, location is a cliche for a reason. You can do everything else right during your conversation, but talking in the wrong place or at the wrong time can make things go sideways. You don’t want to let things go for too long, but be careful about when and where you approach someone for a difficult conversation.
Ideally, it should be somewhere where you can have some privacy so you can both say what you need to say without fear of being overheard or judged. Don’t go to a crowded coffee shop or their favorite yoga class! It should also be somewhere where you both feel safe enough to open up to each other so you can actually have a productive discussion.
Do you struggle with having difficult conversations? Working with a therapist can help you find ways to deal with interpersonal conflict and improve your relationships. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.
