How Self-Compassion Benefits Your Mental Health
Are you nice to yourself?
For far too many of us, the answer is, sadly, no. We’re often far harder on ourselves than we are on others, even if we don’t notice it. And you know what doesn’t feel good? Being mean to yourself all of the time! Developing self-compassion can help you interrupt this negative self-talk and benefit your mental health in a number of ways.
First, what is self-compassion, and how is it different from self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence?
Here’s a refresher from our blog on improving self-respect:
“While self-respect is related to self esteem, self-compassion, and self-confidence, it is distinct. Self-esteem is the way that you feel about yourself, whereas self-respect is how you act on those feelings. Self-compassion is about treating yourself with kindness, even when you mess up or fail, and self-confidence is the belief you have in your own abilities. These traits can all influence each other.”
Dr. Kristen Neff, one of the most prominent researchers on self-compassion, defines a self-compassionate frame of mind as having three main elements:
Self-kindness versus self-judgment
A sense of common humanity versus isolation
Mindfulness versus overidentification
In other words, becoming compassionate toward yourself means you try to be gentle and understanding with yourself, even when you mess up; you remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect and make mistakes, just like anyone else; and you try to hold the balance between ignoring your problems entirely and ruminating on them until you feel distressed by focusing on the present moment.
Why having self-compassion can be hard
If doing all of that at once sounds tricky, you’re right! Developing self-compassion takes time and practice. The idea of being kind to yourself can even be kind of scary. Some people feel they won’t be able to motivate themselves or get anything done without being a little mean to themselves. Others worry that they’ll lose control or become too self-indulgent if they’re kinder to themselves.
However, is it ever really that motivating to be mean to yourself? Are you getting the results you want from being so hard on yourself, or are you still struggling? There's enough meanness in the world without you being mean to yourself on top of it.
How self-compassion benefits your mental health
Why is it so important to be kind to yourself, anyway? Research indicates that self-compassion can lead to:
Increased ability to soothe yourself when you’re upset
Lower stress levels
Higher self-esteem and self-respect
Improved life satisfaction
Decreased levels of anxiety and depression
Improved relationships
A deeper sense of empathy and compassion toward others
Improved mood
Developing self-compassion takes practice. To get started, try these 5 ways to improve your self-compassion:
Follow a guided self-compassion practice
Not sure where to begin? Try using a guided self-compassion practice, like these offered by Dr. Kristen Neff on her website. There are different guided options depending on your current situation or how you’d like to feel, so you can find one that fits your needs. Even if you feel a little silly following along, give it a try and notice how you feel afterward.
Treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend
One way to get into a self-compassionate mindset is to treat yourself the way you’d treat your best friend. If they said a bunch of mean stuff about themselves, you’d probably push back, right? The next time you notice your inner voice being critical of yourself, try to push back on that too.
Even if you make a mistake, you deserve kindness and care. If your best friend made a big mistake, how would you respond? You’d probably tell them that it’s human to make mistakes, and that you love them anyway. How would it feel to give yourself that same message?
Try to stop comparing yourself to others
This is much easier said than done, but comparing yourself to other people can be a recipe for feeling bad about yourself. Social media makes this tricky, too. Keep in mind that what you see on social media is curated, and often people are only posting their highlights. You’re not getting the full story, even if it looks like one.
Remember that life is not a competition. You are allowed to make mistakes, to make choices that look different from other peoples’, and you’re allowed to change your mind. You’re the only one who has to live your life, so don’t let other people dictate how you do it.
Add mindfulness to your routine
A lot of times, the negative things we say about ourselves happen automatically, without us even noticing. This is where mindfulness can be helpful. Mindfulness can teach you how to slow down and notice those moments of unkindness toward yourself. Once you are tuned in to your negative self-talk, you can work on redirecting your thoughts to the present moment, instead of ruminating on all of the ways you’re not good enough.
Try dedicating a few minutes every day to practicing mindfulness, whether it’s self-guided or using a guided mindfulness exercise.
Write in a journal
Reflecting on your thoughts and feelings is a powerful way to get in touch with yourself. Keeping a journal can help you spot patterns in your life and help you notice how you tend to talk about yourself. Try to write down things you like about yourself regularly. It might even feel helpful to write a letter to yourself discussing your feelings about being kind to yourself even when you make mistakes.
Working those feelings out on the page can help you gain enough distance from the self-critical thoughts to recognize that they’re not helpful, so you can then redirect your energy toward being more self-compassionate.
Are you struggling with self-compassion? We can help. Our therapists at Anchor Counseling New York are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.
