6 Questions to Ask Your Partner Before Having Kids

Are you and your partner on the same page about having kids?

Deciding whether or not to have kids is one of the biggest decisions you can make in your life. It’s no small thing to bring a new human into this world, and making sure that you and your partner are on the same page about as much as possible makes a world of difference.

Relationships tend to follow the relationship escalator, which is the “default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal.” These steps look something like: dating, dating exclusively, living together, adopting pets, buying a home, getting married, and having kids. 

But why do we follow these steps? This path isn’t the only way to build a family, but it’s the default one that most of us find ourselves on until we consciously choose to step off. The societal expectation that everyone will grow up, meet someone, and start a family just doesn’t work for everyone. 

So, how do you make sure you’re on the same page before bringing kids into the mix? 

You have to communicate, and probably communicate a lot. This decision most likely isn’t going to be done in one conversation - it will take time to talk it over and make a choice that works for everyone. After all, co-parenting with someone means that they’re in your life forever, whether you’re together romantically or not. 

If you and your partner are thinking about having kids, here are some important questions to ask one another beforehand:

Why are we having kids?

Do we feel rushed by societal pressure or because we really want them? Is this just what we think the next “step” is in a grown-up relationship? Are we following the relationship escalator because we want to, or because we aren’t sure what else to do? Raising a child is stressful, it’s expensive, and it means that you have to give most of your energy to someone that’s not you or your partner. It’s also full of joy and wonder and fun, but it’s definitely not a cakewalk. Are you both ready for what that means? 

People have kids for all kinds of reasons, and what’s important to one person won’t matter to someone else. Whatever your reasons are, try to pinpoint them before you decide to have a child.

How will we split our parental responsibilities?

Raising a child is a lot of work, no matter how old they are. Each stage of development will bring new challenges and new responsibilities, so try to consider how you’ll both approach them. Are there any responsibilities that you can divide up entirely, where each of you is fully responsible for one aspect of something, or will you be splitting things 50/50? 

Will someone be staying home with the baby, or do you need to find childcare? How does parental leave work at your jobs? Who is in charge of feeding? Diapering? Doctor’s appointments? Daycare pickups? Groceries and cooking? Cleaning? This shouldn’t automatically fall to one parent, even if they’re staying home and the other is working. 

Both of you should try to imagine the new responsibilities this will add to your life, and consider how you’ll divvy those responsibilities up. 

How will we deal with consequences or punishments?

Some people grow up with wildly different experiences with consequences or even punishment, and it’s important to know where your potential co-parent stands. You don’t want to bring your child home and learn that your partner believes the opposite of what you do. 

Discuss things like whether you will allow physical punishments like spankings, how you hope to react during meltdowns, and how to decide these things as a team, rather than individually. If one of you tends to be a bit more of a pushover, how will you approach that so that you don’t have one “yes” parent and one “no” parent? 

How do we make big decisions about our child’s life?

Try to imagine the big picture of your potential child’s life. How will you approach the big decisions? 

Where will you live? What kind of schools do you want your child to go to? What family structure works best for you? Will your home be multi-generational, or will it just contain your nuclear family? How much screen time are we comfortable with, and at what ages? How will we decide about bedtimes and in the future, curfews? Will your child be raised with religion, or will you leave it up to them to decide when they’re older? How involved do we want the grandparents and other family members to be? Will they get an allowance, or be required to do chores? Will they be expected to have a job? 

There’s no way to foresee everything, but use your imagination to see what comes up when you consider the big-picture stuff. You might expect to react one way after your conversations and preparations for having kids, but find you have a totally different experience when you bring your child home and actually get into the nitty-gritty of parenting. How will you support each other when that happens? 

How will we approach money as parents?

Money is a huge source of relationship stress, and having kids is very expensive. Are you on the same page about how much you’ll be spending on the child right away, and how much you’ll need to save for their future? Are you financially prepared to cover baby costs, or is that something you’ll have to work on? Obviously, you don’t need to be rich to have kids, but financial stress is very real, so it’s necessary to consider these aspects. 

Is there anything we would change from how we were raised?

Becoming a parent can bring up a lot of intense emotional stuff, and a lot of it relates to how you were treated when you were a child. It’s hard to look at a sweet, innocent little baby and imagine bad things happening to them - and it’s hard that they happened to you, too. Having kids can really clarify where you want to follow your parents’ example, and where you’d like to make different choices. 

It may be helpful to sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what you’d like to change or keep from the ways you both were raised. How did your parents approach things like money, or punishments, or division of labor? How did they show love and affection to you? 

In addition, lots of people worry that they’ll turn into the worst versions of their parents when they have kids - is there anything that you’re worried about in that regard? If there are things you want  your partner’s support with, it can be helpful to lay it all out so you are both aware of how you can help each other as you parent your child. 

Communicating about difficult or deeply personal issues like having kids can be intimidating, but it gets easier with practice. If you’re looking for more support with communication in your relationships, working with a therapist can help. Our therapists are accepting new clients - schedule an appointment today to get started.