5 Essential Money Questions Every Couple Should Discuss: A Therapist's Guide
Money is a sensitive topic for lots of us. It’s often a source of stress, and when money is tight, it can be hard to think about anything else. We don’t have much of a social safety net in the US, so money worries can be a real source of distress.
Arguing about money is really common in relationships. It’s one of the biggest sources of stress in relationships, and it’s a topic that brings many couples to relationship therapy. According to a 2021 survey, “one in five couples identify money as their greatest relationship challenge.”
One reason why couples get into so many arguments about money is that lots of people are simply financially incompatible. It can be hard to figure that out though, because there’s a stigma about discussing money that prevents people from sharing this kind of information freely. Couples who are financially incompatible don’t need to stay that way. It’s possible to learn to work together and change your beliefs and approach to finances in a way that works better for everyone. The process begins with communicating about money with your partner.
Why is it so hard to talk about money?
It’s hard to admit that you struggle financially or don’t understand budgeting, because of all of the values that we tie to money culturally. Admitting that managing money is tough for you can bring up feelings of shame or inadequacy, when the reality is that most of us didn’t get much in the way of a financial education. It makes sense that so many of us struggle with money, because we’re often learning as we go.
The negative thoughts and beliefs that build up around money can make it a difficult subject to bring up, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not important to talk about. For couples who are building a life together, there’s no way to avoid talking about money eventually. Avoiding the conversation makes it more likely that there will be a blowup argument, instead of a rational conversation.
Get started by going over these 5 money questions with your partner so you understand where you both stand:
What are your values around money?
We all have different experiences and beliefs that tie into our values around money. Maybe the way your parents raised you led you to be more inclined to save money rather than spend it. We all have a different story, and the way we grew up often has a big impact on how we view and feel about money in adulthood.
Take some time to consider your values around money. What’s important to you when it comes to money? What are you willing to compromise on? What do you think is “worth” spending on? It can be helpful to share this information with your partner so you can understand where the other person is coming from.
What are your biggest money stresses and fears?
What is it about money and finances that causes you stress? Are there financial burdens that you’re struggling to meet? Are you worried about providing and maintaining a home for you and your family? Do you have debt? These are serious conversations, and it makes sense that these questions cause emotions to run high. It’s also crucial to know what triggers you when it comes to money, so you can find ways to manage those moments of distress.
Talking openly about what you’re worried about can help you feel compassion and empathy for one another, which can help to increase connection overall.
What are your goals around money?
We all have things we want to accomplish, and money is often tied into that because life is expensive. Do you and your partner have similar goals around money, even if your values aren’t identical? Are you both comfortable working toward those goals? Can you find a shared vision of what achieving those goals can look like?
Knowing you’re on a team, working toward the same money goals can help you feel closer to one another. It can also help to lessen the day to day annoyances - keeping the big picture in mind can make it easier to let those smaller things go.
What does your current money situation look like - debt, assets, etc.?
Keeping the details of your money situation vague can feel like a way to lessen anxiety, but it can also be stressful to not know where you stand. Make sure to be honest with one another about what your current finances look like. There’s a lot of shame and guilt tied up in having debt, but it’s honestly extremely common to have debt in adulthood.
It’s also important to discuss here what kind of struggles you tend to face with money. Do you have a hard time budgeting? Are you struggling to save for something? Do you gamble? Do you tend to be a spender or a saver? We all have our own money habits and vices, so do your best to set judgment aside for this conversation, and just aim to be honest and transparent.
Are we keeping finances separate, or will we combine them?
Many couples choose to combine finances, but it’s not a requirement. Keeping finances separate or mostly separate can be a healthy way for couples who are financially incompatible to manage day to day. There are a lot of logistics to work out about money in day to day life, especially if you live together and/or have children, or even pets. There’s also a lot of emotional labor involved in being the person who manages the money for a household.
Take some time to map out what keeping your money together looks like and what it would look like to separate your finances. Who would be in charge of what? How will you handle disagreements so you can stay on track with your goals? How can you work together as a team here? There’s a lot to think about.
How to have conversations about money without fighting
Since money is such a sensitive topic, it’s easy to slide into an argument without meaning to. It’s hard to have a calm and clear conversation when you’re feeling emotionally dysregulated. Try to keep these suggestions in mind to help the conversation go more smoothly:
Be honest
Commit to talking about money regularly so things don’t get bottled up
Take turns speaking
Repeat back what you’re hearing, making space for the person to add to and correct something that was misheard
Listen to understand, not to respond
Craft a shared vision for your financial life and future