Navigating the Holidays When You’re Grieving
This time of year is hard when you’re grieving.
The holidays are thought of as a joyful time of year, but it’s not that way for everyone. If you’re someone who’s experiencing grief at this time of year, you know that the holiday season can be an incredibly painful time.
Why the holidays are hard when you’re grieving
It’s agonizing when the world seems happy around you, celebrating with their loved ones while you're constantly reminded of your loss. Grief is often felt with extra force around important events like holidays or anniversaries. That’s because, for many of us, we celebrate those days with the people we love.
When we then lose someone from that group of people we love, those memories of celebrations in the past can become painful. The thought of having to go through the motions of your special holiday traditions without your beloved family member can bring up all of those feelings and make you feel like the loss is fresh all over again.
Many grievers feel uncertain about how to approach the holiday season.
Pretending like nothing has changed is incredibly painful, but noticing all of the ways that the holidays have changed as a result of the loss is also incredibly painful. There’s also the constant holiday cheer thrown in by shops, advertisers, and even other people at this time of year, which can be overwhelming while you’re grieving. It seems like there’s no break from the reminder of your loss from Thanksgiving until January, while people are trying to tell you it’s the most wonderful time of the year.
Are you trying to navigate all of this complexity around your holiday grief and wondering what to do? Here are 3 things to keep in mind:
It’s okay to talk about it
As a culture, we’re just learning how to talk openly about mental health, so people in grief tend to feel like they can’t talk about what they’re going through. Remember, it’s okay to talk about how you’re feeling. It’s also tempting to isolate yourself when you’re grieving, especially during the holidays when you’re surrounded by holiday cheer. Try to avoid that impulse, because this is a time when connection can be especially healing.
You’re allowed to feel this way. You’re not going to ruin anyone’s holiday by talking about how you feel. You have people who love you and care about you, and they want to hear what you’re going through, even when it’s hard. If you feel like you don’t have anyone you can talk to about what you’re feeling, a therapist can be an invaluable resource during periods of grief.
Ask for help
Similarly, it’s okay to ask for help. The reality is that people don’t really know how to show up for grievers. The old classic “let me know what I can do!” unfortunately puts all of the work on you to let others know what you need, instead of offering you support at an already difficult time. While it’s not ideal, and hopefully the message will shift culturally, this often means that the bereaved have to ask for what they need.
This is your permission slip to be simple and direct and not feel bad about asking for exactly what you need when people check in with you. What would help you get through these next few weeks? Do you need regular check-ins? Support with meal drop offs? Distractions? Whatever it is, you’re allowed to ask for it without feeling guilty or like you’re asking for too much.
Celebrate - or not - in whatever way feels right for you this year
Part of the grief that comes up around the holidays is the realization that things will be different this year. Coming to terms with the fact that your celebrations won’t look the same can be hard. If that means that, this year, you need to take a break from some of your traditions, that’s okay. You can always pick them back up next year, or when they feel right.
You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. You can take each decision day by day. Consider having a plan, and a backup plan for what you’ll do if you’re not up for your first idea. Flexibility can help you make the most of your holiday season, in whatever way works best for you this year.
Keep your expectations of yourself reasonable. You don’t have to be okay. If you just need to distract yourself from now until January, that’s okay too. You’re doing your best during an incredibly difficult time.
